There's a common misunderstanding among all the human beings who have ever been
born on the earth that the best way to live is to try to avoid pain and just try to get
comfortable. You can see this even in insects and animals and birds. All of us are the
same. A much more interesting, kind, adventurous and joyful approach to life is to
begin to develop our curiosity, not caring whether the object of our inquisitiveness is
bitter or sweet. To lead a life that goes beyond pettiness and prejudice and always
wanting to make sure that everything turns out in our own terms, to lead a more
passionate, full and delightful life than that, we must realize that we can endure a lot
of pain and pleasure for the sake of finding out who we are and what this world is,
how we tick and how our worlds ticks, how the whole thing just is. If we're
committed to comfort at any cost, as soon as we come up against the least edge of
pain, we're going to run, we'll never know what's beyond that particuar barrier or
wall or fearful thing. When people start to meditate or to work with any kind of
spiritual discipline, they often think that somehow they're going to improve which is
a sort of subtle aggression against who they really are. It's a bit like saying "If I had
a better job, I'd be a much better person" or "If I could only get a nicer house,
I"d be a better person" or "If I could meditate and calm down, I'd be a better person."
Or the scenario may be that they find fault with others and they might say
"If it weren't for my husband I'd have a perfect marrriage." If it were'nt for the
fact that my boss and I can't get on, my job would be just great" and
"If it weren't for my mind, my meditation would be excellent"
But loving-kindness - maitri - toward ourselves doesn't mean getting rid of anything.
Maitri means that we can still be crazy after all these years. We can still be timid or
jealous or full of feelings of unworthiness. The point is not to try to change ourselves.
Meditation practice isn't about trying to throw ourselves away and become something
better. It's about befriending who we are already. The ground of practice is you or me
or whoever we are right now, just as we are. That's the ground, that's what we study,
that's what we come to know with tremendous curiosity and interest. Sometimes among
Buddhist the word ego is used in a derogatory sense, with a different connotation than
the Freudian term. As Buddhists, we might say "My ego causes me so many problems."
Then we might think "Well then, we're supposed to get rid of it right" Then there'd be
no problem." On the contrary the idea isn't to get rid of ego but actually to begin to
take an interest in ourselves, to investigate and be inquisitive about ourselves. The path
of meditation and the path of our lives altogether has to do with curiosity, inquisitiveness.
The ground is ourselves, we're here to study ourselves and to get to know ourselves
now, not later. People often say to me, "I wanted to come and have an interview with
you, I wanted to write you a letter, I wanted to call you on the phone, but I wanted to
wait until I was more together." And I think, "Well if you're anything like me, you could
wait forever!" So come as you are. The magic is being willing to open to that, being
willing to be fully awake to that. One of the main discoveries of meditation is seeing
how we continually run away from the present moment, how we avoid being here
just as we are. That's not considered to be a problem; the point is to see it.

excerpted from AWAKENING LOVING-KINDNESS by Pema Chodron
This book and others by Pema Chodron are available at